Update: Just got out of the hospital, thank holy fate. It took Dilaudad to curb the worst of the pain, and a whole hell of a lot of IV antibiotics for the UTI (and I'm still going to get antibiotics afterwards), but I'm out, and I can't wait to see our Rams kick ass.
Thank you guys so much for everything you've said. From the bottom of my heart and the tip of my soul, thank you. I love every one of you like family.